I was having a chat recently with a friend who said they were considering getting a micro scooter to commute. I cracked up laughing. They didn’t…

Which got me thinking. What is it with people that think adult micro scooters are a good idea?

OK. Roll back. Why do I think adults on micro scooters is a bad thing? Surely, you know: Transport, faster than walking, smaller than a bike etc etc. Yeah I do get it.

It’s just that of all the options for getting around in a efficient manner they’re one of the crappest ones. Especially in London.

Ding Ding – Morons coming through

Exhibit A:

When walking along any pavement area in London it is incredibly busy with people not looking where they’re going or just plain not giving way to people coming the other way. Add in an adult on a micro scooter and they’re trying to weave around people, normally looking more annoyed than than the walkers. Plus they look like idiots.

Exhibit B:

In much the same way that Top Gear did the ‘Cool wall‘ a few years ago, I’m gonna illustrate the level of tool-dom that emanates from your adult micro scooter rider.

Lets take a standard businessman on his morning commute. The scale goes from really not cool, to ok, to cool, to super cool.

Walking – Pounding the pavement like the rest of us goons are ya? Not cool, just normal OK.

Road Bike – I’d say that was pretty cool. It’s also kinda the norm now in London (and worldwide) considering cyclists were very much a minority not long ago.

Hover board – So these are a bit odd, I actually would say they are below a bike but above walking in terms of cool. Lets say cool

Skateboard – I know these might be contentious, but… If you’re riding a skateboard you’re cool. It takes some skill. So a businessman in a suit on a skateboard would = super cool to me.

Roller blades – Sure why not. Once again you need a degree of skill to ride them, so although they’re not super cool you’d get kudos points for giving it a go on your commute. Yeah OK.

A Unicycle – What are you a clown? Get a proper bike. Not cool.

A horse – Wow. You ride a horse to work? That’s pretty cool.

One of those lie down bikes – Dude. Get a real bike. Not cool.

Micro scooter – You do know you look like a tool yeah? Really not cool.

Exhibit C:

You know who else rides a micro scooter? Kirsty Allsopp. Yeah she of probably partly to blame for the collapse of the housing market in the UK; and quite possibly one of the planets least cool people.

Urrghhhh

OK yeah so who else rides a scooter?

James Corden. If you think he’s cool then OK go ahead and buy a micro scooter cos there’s no saving you.

Also Jamie Oliver…

oh good lord….

The guys who might bring it back from the brink are Hugh Jackman (who I respect slightly less for his devotion to Micro Scooters) and David Beckham (ditto).

Exhibit D:

They’re for kids. I know there’s a whole thing about bringing back kids stuff for adults in an ironic slightly hipster or vintage style but…. No man. They’re not cool. They never were cool and they never will be cool.

Even the kids in the skate park hooning around on their little micro scooters are hated by the serious guys. ie: skateboarders and roller bladers. Next time you pass a skate park stop and watch everyone trying not to punch the scooter riding kid while their mum looks on adoringly.

They’re not even cool for kids. Why would they be cool for adults.

Conclusion:

If you still think micro scooters for adults are cool then let me leave you with this….

And if you still want to buy a micro scooter be my guest. Here’s a link:


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