Thinking about getting married? Working out when is the best time to pop the question or encourage him to pop the question? Here’s why you should totally not bother getting married…

I’ve read a few things lately about marriages and weddings and how the marriage rate is dropping. And you know what… So it should be.

I mean I’m all for Gay marriage and whatever. Hell, I reckon if you really want to have a harem and marry 70 people like they do in Utah or wherever then, yeah fair play to you. And ladies, you need to stop waiting for a man to propose and just get on with it you know (we’ll come back to this).

But really, is marriage worth it?

I don’t think it is. There are several things in life that are slightly outdated and marriage is one of them. Think I’m a grumpy bastard?

Well, I am but that’s not the point. Here is why marriage and weddings should go the way of CD’s and disco.

Hang on… My £10,000 dress is getting muddy.

It’s Irrelevant

‘Ahhh’, I hear you say, ‘Love is never irrelevant…’

Yeah yeah I never said love was irrelevant. In fact, love is a great reason to not get married. If you love and trust each other enough then why the hell do you need the state to sanction your unity under the eyes of God or whatever?

And herein lies the problem.

It’s an old fashioned way to lay claim to somebody else under the eyes of the law and God. Sure, these days you can have a fully Godless marriage which is, obviously, a good thing. But the whole laying claim to someone? Urgh. Please.

Consider the following phrases:

‘Make an honest woman of her…’

‘The old ball and chain’.

I mean, ladies, if that doesn’t put you off getting married then you’re not paying attention. You become the property of a man, and although you get the whole sickness and in health stuff, you can get all that without spending £30,000 (the average price of a wedding in the UK in 2017).

Which brings me to…

It’s Obscenely Expensive

It’s one day yeah? One day.

One.

Day.

Twenty four hours.

£30,000*.

What else can you buy for the money you spend on a wedding? One really nice car, or several decent small cars? The deposit on a house? Several years of travelling the world?

I mean I know the whole thing is about the perfect day and setting you up for the rest of your life together but come on… People seem to lose their shit when it comes to weddings.

If you’re going to get married, do it for £500. Get some guy to marry you in the park and have a picnic from Tesco. That’s true love right there.

(*I’m aware not everyone spends £30k on a wedding, but even fucking 10k is pretty absurd to me for one day… Un. Puta. Dia!!!)

I Give it a Year

You’re probably aware of the statistics about people getting divorced after a few years marriage even if they’ve been together for years. That’s because suddenly it’s all official and… Fucking… Boring…

People look at their other half and go, “Oh… Shit… This is it for the rest of my life?? Uh! Uh! PANIC”.

And then do stupid things like argue about the toothpaste or spend all their money on conservatories or house extensions.

The facts? 25% of marriages end in divorce.

Oh so that means 75% of them last forever? Yeah, true. But a 25% failure rate is pretty high.

Don’t risk it. Run off to South East Asia together with that 30k and have an amazing year or two, not just one day.

Don’t do it love! He’s a psycho!!

If it does go Wrong…

Say you get married and then I dunno, five years later you decide it wasn’t a good idea. You just don’t fancy each other. She farts a lot. He’s a psycho. Whatever.

Getting divorced is a ball ache (or ovaries ache if you prefer).

The whole system is set to get you hitched ASAP. You can marry tomorrow if you really want.

Divorce? Takes years. You have to live apart for something like two years, you have to prove that you’ve tried to patch it up. Paperwork, trauma, lawyers, hassle. Why bother?

Weddings… Are BORING

This might make me something of a social pariah (hey most of my marrying friends have gone and done it now) but… Oh my God. Weddings bore me to tears.

Yeah the food, the drink, the dancing yadda yadda yadda. That is what makes it worthwhile it’s true.

The whole ceremony bit. The waiting around. The speeches, the more speeches.

Oh I forgot the whole travelling to an obscure village in the middle of nowhere, shelling out for a hotel and all that other stuff.

I could go off on another tangent about people who choose to get married in obscure places, but I’ll spare you. Basically, if you really must, do it somewhere nice just down the road.

Maybe the pub? Then some of us can play pool while you do the oaths of whatever they’re called.

You’re Conditioned to Think it’s What you Should do

Met the love of your life? Right. Slap a ring on it.

Why?

Because you love each other? Because legally it makes things easier? Because you haven’t got anything else planned for the next 60 years?

The legal thing is only partially a big deal. If you have kids they get to share the same surname which saves problems if you travel alone (once again this only affects the woman). Life insurance and all that jazz still pays out if you’re not married.

The only reason to get married is because that’s what everyone expects you to do.

Wow, is that REAL cubic zirconia?

Expectation

And then there’s the expectation of what a marriage involves.

Firstly, the man is supposed to propose. It’s the 21st century, why can’t women pop the question? Girls, stop dropping hints. Ask him. Actually, don’t cos that’s my whole argument. But if you must you know… Crack on.

Then the whole dress thing. A woman gets to act like she’s a princess for the day and be the focus of attention. OK, whatever floats your boat. I mean I’m not a woman; but I’m sure there are other ways you can wear massive dresses and get loads of people you haven’t seen for fifteen years to pose for pictures with you?

Oh and the ring? If you didn’t know that DeBeers (yeah the massive diamond corporation) invented the diamond engagement ring in the 1930’s, then here is an article you might find interesting.

Basically it’s all a carefully cultivated patriarchal image of a subservient woman being made the property of a man. Sex is power. Possession is nine tenths of the law…

Anyways, congratulations.

Shall I save the date yeah?


2 Comments

Chelsea Owens · 6th October 2018 at 8:56 pm

This was super funny to read, though I took issue with the ’70 wives in Utah’ bit. Seven is more the average.
Guess I’ll have to defend marriage in my own post…

    Olilynch · 10th October 2018 at 10:58 pm

    Hahaha glad you enjoyed. Yeah I thought Mormons were a relatively safe target on that one… Come back and link me to your article in defence!

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